She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We have started to decorate penises.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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