My friends, they love my intelligence
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
