i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
