I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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