dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i already hear my dad disowning me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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