I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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