I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
