In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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