so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
