Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
