hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
