Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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