god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
