my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
