And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
