so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
