Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
