I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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