Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
