I think I won the penis lottery.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
