dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
