apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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