I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
