Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
