you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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