Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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