weddingsv make me drug and hornr
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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