he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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