At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
