We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
