my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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