He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think your dad took our porno
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
