Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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