woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
