Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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