If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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