Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
