Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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