i just wanna soil my oats bro
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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