Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
