I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
