Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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