This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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