True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
