false alarm. still invincible.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
