If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
