Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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