I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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