I wish my penis had an off switch
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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