I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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