Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
