yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
PANTIES FOUND
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